After our first date, my husband told me I was a 6 (and that he was a 9)

Did I ever tell you about the time my now-husband told me straight to my face that I was a six? Yup. And before I could even convey my disappointment in his statement, he followed by telling me he was a 9. Rage and disgust do not even come close to what I was feeling, but apparently, my face said it all for me.

You see, at the time I had no idea what the enneagram of personality was, but oh did he teach me quickly!

As it turns out, the giant smile on his face was because he was super excited and genuinely thought he was complimenting me and confirming we were compatible. Sure—I will never truly know, but I chose to believe him. Mostly because he had me pegged to a tee by the end of our first date.

In this circumstance, a 6 is someone who is a traditionalist, who loves their networks, who troubleshoots decisions with others, we are the planners of the world, are worriers ruled by fear: of being wrong, of unpreparedness, of negative impacts on others. On our worst of days, when we dig into the 3 personality, we may make emotionless decisions (logic-based) and aren’t above side-stepping others to get what we want (yikes, I hope I never get there!) and on our best days, when we dig into the 9 personality, we are super relaxed and less anxious (this was me on my wedding day!).

And my husband Alex is a self-proclaimed 9, who are the fence-sitters and mediators of the world, they are the pacifists, the passive-aggressive, the hippie-dippie ‘everything will be fine’ crew, diplomatic, nurturing and encouraging (sometimes to their own detriment), they can be huge teddy bears, and they are indecisive and ruled by anger (they have an inability to function around it and pretend to never be angry).

I wasn’t convinced until years later when I realized I was married to the mayor of Passive-Agressiville and all of the details fell into place, with frightening accuracy. After years of learning each other’s cues and triggers, we navigate feelings and decisions respectfully. Our marriage is not perfect, nobody’s is, but knowing how to treat one another in times of crisis and in happiness has kept us from going down the path of no return countless times. And not just about the personality traits, but about knowing how to communicate with the different love languages. That is paramount in ANY relationship in your life: your partner, your children, your friends, your colleagues and bosses—I highly recommend you look into it.

This was never meant to be a couples counselling session, but I invite you to dig deeper than the funny story on the surface and really look at the root of your relationships and build them up, nurture them, and make sure you are doing everything you possibly can to keep them meaningful and positive for all involved. Especially during trying times like this hella-isolating pandemic world we are living in, those connections will help us get through it and be happy on the other wise but also along the journey.


stephanie de montigny SdeM handrawn initials ottawa blogger